There is an elephant in the room!

28th of November 2020. First rehearsal in 8 months. To be honest I have the impression to be going out of my cave. I am almost expecting to see dinosaurs coming out of the street in London. I haven’t set foot in the capital for months, I live in the countryside. With seals and birds. So, yes dinosaurs seems plausible, like the night in the museum’s movie but for real in the open air. A sort of funny apocalypse where old things would come alive and invent a new reality of some sort… Back to business it is then.

Rehearsal. I haven’t packed my violin and tool bag for months so obviously I forgot a few elements that I took for granted, like my stand which is ALWAYS in my car. Lying there like a lost lemon waiting to be picked up. My first ever stand... believe it of not, this stand has been all over the planet, it’s the most traveled stand on earth. Well, it decided to have a break. Or more likely, I had this strange idea to clean my car during lockdown, which consequently made me remove the said item from its forever place to be and didn’t see the point of putting it back where it should be - i.e. under the feet of whomever decide to risk their life traveling with me in my car.

Tool kit means also things like spare strings, mute, pencils, rubber, make up. Guess what, I forgot the lot, apart from 2 spare strings and a pencil, my violin case was empty. I had the violin and the bow, as far as I’m concern, the vital minimum to play was there. But still, how did I manage to forget absolutely everything?

That’s when it hit me. I wasn’t excited to be back to business. I felt numb, rather confused and anxious about the whole thing. It felt surreal. Being back to old habit, being surrounded by human beings that were there to share there humanity with me. Kindhearted, wonderful human beings I hadn’t seen for a long time. Stunt. In a sort of post trauma shock, and the wave would not go away. I had the privilege to be coming back to the world of music playing with one of the most inspiring person I have ever been able to play with - Rachel Podger, with one of the team I most enjoy playing with - the Armonico Consort. And I was stunt. Unable to feel, overwhelmed by the simplicity of it all.

The second day, we did a double bill concerts - 2 times Vivaldi seasons, once in the afternoon, once in the evening. After this first performance day, my emotions were all over the place, so much so that I couldn’t sleep and I cried a lot. For no reason. For a lot of reasons. The confusion was tremendous. Why did I feel too much, why did I feel too little? Why was I crying, out of joy or sadness, apprehension or excitement? I felt broken. For the first time in months, I was facing my own depression head’s on. I had no escape, if work was no longer my escape route, what could be? As ever, music was a call, a wake up call. Music has always been part of my personal development journey. The only thing that would make me realise what is going on in my body and mind. Weirdly enough, by feeling like an automaton, playing made me realise that something was wrong with me and that I should seek professional help. Rather interesting to see that music can have this deep effect of realisation on me as a musician. It triggered something in my brain, once again, it woke me up. It makes me think about monks in the Buddhist tradition, seeking to wake up. Awakening through meditation and prayers. Music has the same effect on me, it probably triggers the same chemicals in my brain. Someone needs to do a research on that by the way. Just putting it out there. I’d volunteer to be scanned!

Third day was a special day for the Armonico Consort team. Launching a program in the Woodside Care Village in Warwick (visionary care home centre), playing music and making people participate by playing percussive instruments, clapping, dancing, doing all sort of silly things to - again - wake up minds. People living with deafness, Dementia or Alzheimer could benefit from music, and that’s what we were there to experiment with. As a pilot program, this felt highly relevant to me at the moment and I was absolutely rinsed by the end of the session. So much to process, so much to think about, develop, ideas flashing from all over the place. It took me a few days to process that day!

Fourth and last day. Again, double bill Vivaldi with Rachel Podger. Weirdly, my body started to wake up. I could feel the energy of the room, kindness and beauty. I was very aware of the wooden floor, people’s eyes in the room. The masks are making difficult to read faces expression, but you can see the twinkles in the eyes, the understanding, the concentration. I could start to feel again. I suppose after 8 months, the shock of playing with others was too much to process and I am starting to feel that I can trust it again. My own instincts and emotions can safely come out there. How lucky am I to share the stage with the generous people of that small group? Without words, music heals, cares and cocoons.

The shock of it all came by the end of the concert: Boris Johnson announced another lockdown until December.

Stillness…to stillness. I will have to cherish those four strange days and wait for the next ones to come again.

Hopefully soon!